I was reading Inc. magazine over the weekend when I came across this Bonobos ad (click the image to see it full-size in a separate tab):
The ad begins with the following headline:
men agree.
BONOBOS
is better.
There are two major problems with this headline.
Problem #1: No evidence is cited to support the claim that “93% of men agree. BONOBOS is better.” Therefore, I call B.S. This is a completely fabricated number to give the illusion of proof.
Problem #2: How exactly are BONOBOS better? Judging from the picture, I assume BONOBOS are jeans — same as any other pair of jeans I might find at any department store anywhere in the U.S. The headline does nothing to disabuse me of my assumptions.
Unfortunately, the headline is not the worst part of the ad. See for yourself…
Bonobos pants look and feel great.
Bonobos makes pants that are designed to look great and fit even better, eliminating the Khaki Diaper Butt that has plagued men for generations. Style and comfort? Yes, you can have both.
Bonobos cares about quality.
From our unique fabrics to our colorful liners, we use the very best in materials and craftsmanship to ensure that our customers are receiving the finest trousers they will ever own.
Bonobos is totally risk-free.
All of our products come with a lifetime guarantee, free shipping both ways, and the best customer service in the world. And our online store makes buying Bonobos not only risk-free, but easy as pie.
Use code INC20 for 20% off your first order.
Only at Bonobos.com
What’s Wrong with This Ad? Plenty…
First of all, let me say that I was totally unaware of “Khaki Diaper Butt.” I was also unaware it had plagued men for generations.
What is this condition? What does it look like? Are men going around wearing adult diapers underneath their slacks?
Assuming I get past this misplaced attempt at humor, I’m told that Bonobos is basically the best company ever with the best pants ever.
Their pants “fit better” and are made with “the very best in materials and craftsmanship.” They are the “finest trousers” I will ever own. But that’s not all! They also have “the best customer service in the world.”
There are a lot of superlatives in this ad. Unfortunately, none of them are supported by any proof whatsoever. No mention of what materials are used, why the pants fit better, or how they are able to provide better customer service than any other company on planet earth.
There’s not even one measly testimonial!
You would think that if 93% of all men agreed that Bonobos are better than all other brands of pants that they’d at least be able to dig up a testimonial.
But alas… I guess 93% of men have also taken a vow of silence when it comes to talking about Bonobos pants.
Oh, and one more thing. The offer itself is decent, but it lacks a deadline and, therefore, lacks urgency. I’m willing to bet the number of men who respond to this ad will be small indeed.
What I Would Have Done
I don’t really know anything about Bonobos other than what they put in their ad. Even so, I think the ad could have been MUCH stronger. Here’s my 10-minute take on how it could’ve been better…
Have Trouble Finding Pants that Fit?
Try Bonobos 100% Risk-Free… If They Don’t Fit, Send ‘em Back!Bonobos pants are designed to fit better than any pants you’ve ever owned. And we’d like to prove it.
Here’s how it works…
Go to our website at Bonobos.com. Order the pants you want in your size. We’ll ship them in 24 hours or less.
When they arrive, try them on. Wear them around the house. See if they’re not the best-fitting pants you’ve ever owned.
Then, if you like your pants, keep them. If not, send them back to us in the same box at no charge. Just use the prepaid label we include with every order.
Even better, you’ll save 20% when you place your order by March 31, 2012. (Just use code INC20 when you checkout.)
Here’s a question…
Do you really want to spend hours driving to multiple stores, searching for the right size pants in a jumbled retail display, and then trying them on in cluttered and overcrowded dressing rooms?
If you’re like us, the answer is “no!” Finding pants that fit well and look good shouldn’t take so much time and effort.
Let us prove that Bonobos pants really do fit as well as we say they do. You have nothing to lose.
Simply order your pants at Bonobos.com — then try them on in the comfort of your own home. If they don’t fit, send ‘em back using the prepaid return label and you’ll get a prompt and courteous refund. It’s that simple.
But remember: Order by March 31, 2012 so you can save 20% (use code INC20 during checkout).
Now, my ad isn’t earth-shattering or anything. But twenty bucks says the ad I just scratched out would outpull the original ad in a head-to-head split test.
Anybody know the advertising manager at Bonobos? ;-)
-Ryan M. Healy
P.S. Want an in-depth critique of your ad or sales letter? Hire me for a copy critique here.
About Ryan M. Healy
Ryan Healy is a direct response copywriter. Since 2002, he has worked with scores of clients, including BoostCTR, Alex Mandossian, Terry Dean, and Pulte Homes. He writes a popular blog about copywriting, advertising, and business growth, has been featured in publications like Feed Front magazine, and is a regular contributor to WordStream.com, BoostCTR.com, and MarketingForSuccess.com.
I launched my freelance copywriting career on June 13, 2005. Much to my surprise, I landed three clients in the first two weeks. If you'd like to discover how I did it, then click here now » |
{ 36 comments }
Now that’s the kind of article I want to read on a daily basis.
Their ad did nothing for me, but yours hit on every point it needed to. I related with it WAY more than theirs.
Good job Ryan. This is why you’re a kickass copywriter.
Thanks much, Chris! Appreciate the feedback. :-)
Hopefully Ryan’s ad made you want to go buy some stuff at Bonobos! Even though the Bonobos version didn’t. Thanks for the feedback. Adam from Bonobos.
This is why I follow you. Powerful, actionable, advice that even a newbie like me can understand.
Thanks Ryan!
You’re welcome, Peter. Thanks for commenting!
I think the copy is only part of the problem.
I have no idea what that guy in the picture is wearing. Is it what they are making fun of? Is it a Bonobos’s outfit? What is it?
And I don’t think I’d be caught wearing pants called Bonobo’s. It sounds like too many other words that I don’t necessarily identify with. Bobo, Bozo, Bonomo, Bonzo, Rebozo, Nosmo, Sonny Bono, Banana.
Hey how do you like my Bonobos. Your WHAT?
Where are my Levis, Lees, and Sedgefields (anyone remember those?).
Fair enough, Barry. Bonobos seems to work for us. It’s pretty memorable and fun to say. Can also remind one of Bros, and Boobs, in some cases. Powerful. Mostly we just like having fun and this is a fun word.
I guess I’m just too old (as you can tell by the words and brand names I recall). You guys have to go for the younger crowd. That’s where the bucks are. Sooner than I want to admit my brand will be Depends.
Barry – I agree with your observation about the picture. The first time I saw it, I thought the white triangle was the guy’s underwear showing, but it’s the corner of his shirt pulled below the hem of the sweater.
It also made me wonder if Bonobos sold sweaters, jackets, shoes, etc.
First of all, you put the offer at the beginning of the ad and wrote it much better than they did. It’s almost like they threw it in at the last minute. And then you go right into what I believe most guys relate to – hating to actually go out and shop for pants. I doubt you guys are worried about colorful liners or unique material more than you’re worried about how long it’s going to take for your signifigant other to drag you around from store to store.
I hope they contact you and ask to use your 10 minute version over theirs. ;)
Traci
Traci. Yep. We’re paying attention and we’re very open to feedback. A lot of this was last minute, unfortunately. And I would say this isn’t necessarily representative of a lot of the material we put out. I’d ask to use Ryan’s version but unfortunately, this one’s already in print! Expect better from us in the future. – Adam from Bonobos
Traci – You nailed it. Most guys that I know do NOT like shopping for pants. Personally, I only buy jeans once every two years or so — and only when my current jeans start falling to pieces. That’s because I hate buying jeans.
When I do find a pair that fits, I grab one or two more of the same size/style and buy them. Then I’m done for another two years.
Nice work, Ryan. I like your copy, especially the first part of it, but I think the whole “Diaper Butt” thing might have more legs that you think IF they can get a picture of it and tie it into the whole, “If you’re fit, don’t you want to LOOK fit” idea.
I’m guessing BONOBOS targets single men in their 20s. Probably not exclusively, but that’s likely their core audience. If making yourself look more attractive to women figures into the equation, than creating the affliction of “Diaper Butt” might be an excellent angle of approach. It worked for “Ring Around the Collar,” right? “Inventing the Disease” or at least “Naming” the disease can be a great idea — IF it’s done right.
We’ve had tons of success with Khaki Diaper Butt, but by no means is it appropriate for this image and with zero context. Guilty as charged. Adam from Bonobos.
Jeff – Great observations. With an appropriate image and better description, the “Khaki Diaper Butt” angle could definitely work.
What, never heard of Khaki Diaper Butt!
I’ve suffered the terrible affliction of Khaki Diaper Butt for years now and the pain and embarrassment of walking around with this is beyond words.
I am so happy there is now a solution, I will pass onto my support group who also suffer in silence that we can now strut proud of our rear ends.
We will be avid supporters of Bonobos and help spread the word to the remaining 7% of the population who disagree that they truly are better.
Man that is one cracking ad, love your breakdown and keep them coming.
Rich
Haha… thanks, Rich.
And I hope you’re cured of your affliction soon. ;-)
As usual Ryan right on the button. I figured in this age of social media I was obliged to post your comments on Bonobos Twitter stream and Facebook page in case they were not aware of your thoughtful insights. Wonder what Ben in Portland or Ray in Spokane would think of such audaciousness.
Thanks, Rob. I have no idea how Adam from Bonobos found out so quickly that I had written this article — he responded in less than 15 minutes from hitting “Publish.”
Twitter. From @adamlamtelme. I search for all mentions of Bonobos because I’m a glutton for punishment. No, actually, it’s because I’m employee #2 here and I care a lot about what people are saying about the brand. And I want our team to get better. Thanks.
This is great feedback. Not a great ad. Lots of excuses we could make but ultimately we fail on all the points you mention. We will definitely put these ideas to use and have the copywriters take a look around the blog. We’re still a young company (started in late 2007) and have only recently expanded our marketing efforts in a meaningful way. We’re getting better but have a long way to go.
Adam – Thanks for jumping into the comments here and responding so quickly. Hopefully my criticisms are constructive and helpful to your copywriters. :-)
Oh definitely constructive. We love hearing this stuff. I mean, we hate it, but we love improving. Again, not to make excuses, but I think this is copy from our first ever print ad in March 2008, when we REALLY didn’t know what we were doing. That was when we only sold pants and it was a picture of pants. It sort of made sense then and we got an incredible response on it, logging record sales days for a week straight. What we did here was basically drop that copy on a new image to hit a deadline. And the result is horrible. You’re right. We do better work in other areas but I don’t think we pay enough attention to the things you mention. So, thank you.
MUCH better, Ryan. Their ad was all about them. Blah, blah, blah was all I saw.
M
Thanks, Melody!
If nothing else, I’m blown away by way Adam from Bobonos is jumping all over this and ever-so-politely using even this slightly negative press to build his brand.
You think Levi’s or Dockers would be doing the same? Heck no.
Kudos Adam. I’m a copywriter, so I don’t often wear pants or even leave the house. But if I did I’d consider Bobonos. (It IS fun to say.)
Matt – Ditto that. I’m impressed by Adam’s response. :-)
Maybe I’ll have to try me some Bonobos since I don’t like going to the store for jeans.
I agree w/ Chris Ramsey – THIS is the kind of article, critique that I’d love to see you address, attack more often.
Practical, enlightening and easy to apply in one’s business because it isolates easy mistakes many of us can see ourselves doing! ;-P
It’s always helpful to get into the mind of a talented copywriter, too….plus, it’s quite congruent w/ the services you provide….
Thanks for the feedback, Bruce. Sounds like I need to do more ad critiques here on the blog. :-)
What kind of pants are they? Jeans? dress slacks? nice casual?
What about the fabric?
Even the photo sucks. Just a vague ‘sillhouette’. Nothing resembling real pants. Nothing that looks sharp or makes you imagine wearing a fine pair of pants.
Not enough to make me even bother to log onto their main web site, except for the curouls “Bonobos” trade name.
Thanks for your comment, Francis. As you pointed out, I think the name Bonobos does work to their advantage from a branding perspective. It’s a unique and memorable word. But the name alone won’t drive sales.
Well I’d never heard of Bonobos before, until now, though having read through the post and comments, I think it’s fair to say the old axiom is true – any publicity is good publicity – IF you manage it correctly. Kudos to Adam for that, and kudos to Ryan for a nice critique.
Thanks for commenting, Jonathan. I appreciate it. :-)
This is the best post and set of comments I have seen in a long, long time. Hey Ryan I know that you’ve been talking about creating a product from you blog; this would be an excellent niche product…critiquing poorly written or executed ads with suggestions for a re-write and comments.
I’m blown away by Adam’s involvement. It says far more about Bonobos than the ad you so gently ripped apart. In fact they should use the basis of this blog post as their next ad. Sample headline: How Bonobos Caused an Uproar in the Online Community…
Hey Jason – Thanks for your compliment and the suggestions. Much appreciated. :-)
I am a young copywriter, and I had a question on this. You are taking only one feature and benefit, and weaving the whole copy on it. Why aren’t you taking all the features to create the whole package?- Ron C.
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