If somebody wrongs you, it’s natural to be upset. And it’s natural to want some kind of retribution or revenge.
Just look at how we as a nation reacted to 9/11. Everybody wanted to take up arms and go kill some terrorists. (In fact, we’re still on a witch hunt, killing people in countries who had nothing to do with 9/11.)
We could have reacted differently. We could have turned the other cheek, forgiven the perpetrators, and earned the world’s respect.
Unfortunately, we showed our true colors. To our detriment, we proved we are not a forgiving people.
The reason I’m writing this post today is because it’s WAY too easy to get bent out of shape when you are wronged. It’s WAY too easy to hold a grudge and boil in your own venom.
There is a better way.
It’s called forgiveness.
Just yesterday I was reading a post by Internet lawyer Mike Young. He writes, “Everyone makes mistakes. If perfection is the standard by which marketers are to be measured, none would meet it.”
I totally agree.
So while I did “name names” in Internet Marketing on Life Support, I did it to protect unsuspecting people from what I consider egregious abuses of trust. It was not to imply that I or anybody else is perfect.
A Better Way to Respond
Personally, I’ve been ripped off by multiple clients in the past. Some to the tune of thousands of dollars.
Of course, I could have moped about it, spent time thinking of ways to get even. But that kind of behavior is totally unproductive and not gratifying in the least.
In each case, I’ve made changes to prevent the same situation from happening again, then shifted my attention toward finding new (and better) clients. It’s paid off.
My advice: Keep short accounts with people.
As King Solomon advised in Proverbs 19:11, “A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression.”
So when somebody wrongs you (and it will happen), better to just chalk it up to experience and keep going. You’ll be a better human — and you’ll be more productive — if you learn to forgive, forget, and move on with your life.
-Ryan M. Healy
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About Ryan M. Healy
Ryan Healy is a direct response copywriter. Since 2002, he has worked with scores of clients, including BoostCTR, Alex Mandossian, Terry Dean, and Pulte Homes. He writes a popular blog about copywriting, advertising, and business growth, has been featured in publications like Feed Front magazine, and is a regular contributor to WordStream.com, BoostCTR.com, and MarketingForSuccess.com.
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{ 26 comments }
Very well said Ryan!
I have a friend who has said to me, “I'm a Christian …I have to forgive, but I will never forget how (a certain person) has wronged me.
I'm wondering, If he has truly forgiven the person that has wronged him, why is it that he can't even bear to hear the other persons name, much less see the person face to face.
It may be hard to forget, but sometimes it's even harder to forgive.
Hi Ryan:
As Alexander Pope said “To err is human; to forgive, divine.”
I am reading Will Bowen's new book “Complaint Free Relationships” right now.
There is an excellent chapter titled “When Worlds Collide” that discusses the merits of forgiveness. It includes a forgiveness process exercise that is very helpful.
It very comforting to know we have choices.
Today I choose forgiveness and gratitude!
To say that “we are not a forgiving people” is painting all Americans with the same brush. It was the Bush administration that showed its true colors by concocting an outrageous excuse to protect its oil interests in the Middle East (anyone remember weapons of mass destruction?)
But that goes beyond my point.
I have a hard time with the concept (and act) of forgiveness. Does that mean you condone the offender's behavior? Would you do business with them again? What if you have no choice and must deal with this person/organization?
And if you choose to leave such people behind you, be they clients or whomever, does this act mean you've forgiven them or are you simply exercising a thinly veiled act of revenge?
Just something to think about.
Take care
Andy,
Great thought provoking question.
Recently I was watching an Andy Andrews DVD about what he considered the 7 decisions we are all confronted with in life.
Forgiveness was one of those decisions and Andy pointed out something which to me made a lot of sense and I think may address your question.
In a nutshell the premise of Andy's argument was that offering forgiveness is an act of accepting with compassion “past” indiscretions, while TRUST is the act of deciding whether you have a relationship or interaction in the “future”.
And many of us confuse the two of them.
Ryan,
This is sage advice for such a young guy.
And interesting timing, as I imagine you have been the target of revenge, barbs, slings, spiteful comments on blogs, etc. after your “Internet Marketing on Life Support” message.
Anybody who has the brass balls to stand up and expose evils being done in this niche is made a target for that stuff.
Instead of reacting to the backlash like most people, you've taken the high road. Folks like you are extremely rare, my friend.
Very rare, indeed.
All the best,
Doberman Dan
Ryan, I wholeheartedly agree.
Whomever makes a living out of “wronging” people, will eventually have to atone for their shortcomings…they won't need my help to get to that point. :)
Well said.
And it's also nice to hear someone point out that there are often practical benefits to (in, at least, mine and your cases that I know of) spiritual beliefs.
- John
This is fact. The mind wants a 'fair deal' (look at the Ultimatum case studies) but really you have to train yourself to just forget it and move on.
Great post Ryan! A nice reminder, great timing after I just got ripped off by my last client. LOL. Chalked up to experience. :-)
Ryan,What I like is that you and I are on opposite ends of the scale when it comes to politics and our views on some things. Yet we can have respect for each other and each other's work, and work together to get something done. Too bad very few of our elected officials manage to do that. I'll not comment about politics because you can probably guess from my first sentence where I stand!
Would I give Eric another chance and do business with him? No. Have I forgiven him? Yes.
Being Christian does not mean being stupid. Jesus said turn the other cheek, he didn't say keep turning the other cheek until you get beat to death. He didn't say stick your face into a spinning lawnmower blade and I'll protect you. People have to use their brains. Forgiveness is good… forgetting is not. What's hard is being able to forgive, yet learning from the wrong that was done to you. There is evil in this world, forgetting that will do no good for anyone. Encountering evil and bad people and “forgetting” will doom us to repeat that cycle. Encountering evil and bad people and forgiving them, yet learning from the experience of how to recognize evil and bad people does work.
Fred,
I actually had a guy unsubscribe this morning because I suggested we should not have retaliated. Oh, well. :-)
My grandfather, my father, and two of my brothers have all served in the military. And one brother has done three tours in the middle east. I'm actually pro-military; but I don't always agree with our government's stated (or unstated) reasons for going to war.
When we say “forgive and forget,” I think the “forgetting” part is really about forgetting the emotions — not what actually happened. You can't really forget bad stuff that happens to you. But you can let go of the negative emotions.
As you pointed out, you'd be a fool to willingly put yourself in harm's way — unless it is done to protect another person.
To me, forgiving is a separate act from building up trust again.
A perfect example would be a cheating husband. The wife can forgive her husband and stay married to him; but it will take a lot of time to build trust again.
Thanks for the comment, Fred. Appreciate it!
Ryan
I have already received criticism for making the generalization that Americans are not a forgiving people. So allow me to clarify:
My statement was speaking about the nation as a whole. We elected the president who decided to go to war. We re-elected him after we had already gone to war.
Are there individual Americans who have the heart to forgive? Absolutely.
Ryan Enjoyed and agree with your commenst. You might read The Richest man On Earth by Stven Scott. It's all about Proverbs and the wisdom that it offers everyone.
John
Ryan,
Whilst we all live here in America and it is therefore easier to generalize about the people in this country, I believe your argument should not stop at these shores.
If we look back at the days following the events of 9/11, it was not just this elected government that made a decision to retaliate, the world LEADERS came together and were presented with an opportunity to choose a direction forward.
That collective chose to retaliate.
As we lurch forward into the future of humankind, one must wonder what other opportunities will present themselves in order that we may make a decision, one most likely also based on the possibility of forgiveness or retaliation.
the release of the negative emotions associated with a particular event or person you've dealt with in your life is the important point. Ryan pointed that out in one of his responses. Continuing to harbor hate or resentment can destroy you if you let it.
This holds true in every aspect of our lives, not just business.
Hi Ryan,
One thing I love about your blog is that you invite us to tend to our moral compasses.
I have a son in the Army who has served in Iraq and will be going to Afghanistan next summer. My son signed up because he “wants to help people” (not kill them). I am extremely proud of him and the others who serve, though I may not agree with the war (s).
Also, I was ripped off by one of my first clients, who lives in another country and STILL uses the web page I wrote for him that he never paid for. I almost got nasty about it, but caught myself and let it go. Yup, I still get resentful sometimes, But the resentment hurts me and my family, not the unscrupulous guy in India making the money.
Bottom line is, forgiveness sweetens what is sour within us, strengthens and renews us. At one level, it may be the most selfish thing we do. At another, it is the most loving thing we can do. Either way, forgiveness is not a moment, but a journey. Letting go of the negative while embracing the lesson is a skill that takes time to develop. After a while you see the high road is the only road-
Andy:
Here's how I view forgiveness.
Think of the offense as creating a debt: “You (offender) owe me. You have harmed me, and you owe me whatever it takes to make me whole again.”
Forgiveness means the same thing, in essence, as forgiving a debt: “I will cover your debt. I will no longer demand that you pay me.”
When I determine no longer to demand payment, I have forgiven the debt.
HOWEVER, I can–and prudence dictates, I believe, that I ought to–remember the offender's behavior . . . for future reference . . . in case, it turns out, this is his (or her) standard modus operandi.
You are correct to distinguish between forgiveness and trust and approbation. I can forgive without trusting or approving/condoning. Moreover, to determine that a person is unworthy of my trust does not mean I have failed to forgive nor that I am engaging in some kind of revenge.
Nice, Ryan! I had never thought of that.
Thanks for the insight.
John,
I couldn't have said it better myself. Thanks for contributing.
Ryan
ps- Sometimes forgiving ourselves is hardest of all, like when we naively work for someone on a promise for payment on work completed, when we keep our word and they don't…
“Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.” Harry Emerson Fosdick
“Forgiveness is almost a selfish act because of its immense benefits to the one who forgives.” Lawana Blackwell
When we harbor bad thoughts or feelings of revenge, or even feel like we have been wronged, or find ourselves thinking we need to forgive, we keep resending resentment and negative thoughts to ourselves and others.
If we can forgive, we can stop burning down our own emotional and spiritual houses … and the houses of others.
If we can forgive, we can stop resending resentment and negative thoughts to ourselves and others.
It doesn't mean we forget the lesson that was brought to us, or our need to interpret and find new ways to communicate and behave in a manner that honors our personal values and spirit.
Thanks for this discussion Ryan! Great food for thought!
Diane Anderson
p.s. Now … how do we communicate better and come up with solutions that create experiences where we don't end up harboring resentment? A good question for copywriter(s) that use “problem/solution” writing techniques!
I'm just getting my writing services up and running and have heard that in these days and times, it's important to get “up-front” money for one's projects!
Any other suggestions?
An interesting post Ryan – I would like to comment on the difference between forgiving and passivity.
â€Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.†-Martin Luther King, Jr
And beyond just speaking up, we're often tested to see if we'll Stand-up.
True pacifists only survive under the protection of those willing to fight.
King, Gandhi and others (who lived long enough to have an impact) have one thing in common – they were appealing to the better nature of basically civilized peoples. Those we face now – certainly the ones who knocked down the towers – are the modern version of India's Thuggee – and deserve the same fate.
How far a man's sense of community and justice for all extends beyond the square yard he stands on is a big, personal question.
But back to Rev King – every community needs its members to call out bad practices and bad guys. When you know bad stuff is being done you call it and name names. If you're willing, you also actively work to prevent it. It's never a happy place to be and it can end badly for those with the courage to do so — but there's a reason we don't write books about those who watched it on TV or volunteered for Headquarters-only duty.
I understand that many follow the choice to NEVER to say anything, never stick their head up — always provide happy entertainment, and forever “positive affirmations” and upbeat this and that – fine. Good for them and their business. Not everyone has the cajones of Gandhi, or King, or a USMC Lance Corporal.
A applaud the courage of your prior post and respect your personal decision to forgive or not.
Ryan, forgiveness is something you and I can identify with and value. It's a part of our culture. But this is not a cultural trait that many people around the world understand or would identify with. This sort of behavior by the people in question, that your post talks about, sees this act of kindness as weakness.
That's a good example, Ryan.
Forgiveness is essential for oneself, because if you aren't able to forgive a person, you're still hooked into them emotionally, so in a sense they “control” you. That's not a good feeling.
Forgiveness is finding yourself free of the offender. That's priceless.
Ryan, I'm absolutely delighted to see that someone who I think of as fairly conservative agrees with my perspective that going to war after 9/11 was the wrong response. We had an incredible opportunity to not only build our standing in the world but to do more for world peace than at any moment before or since, and the Bush administration totally blew it. Messages of turning back hatred with love, of being a model for the world, of “avenging” those cowardly acts by creating a climate where no one in the future would have a reason to hate the US, builder of schools, hospitals, food-self-sufficiency projects, etc., would have led to very different outcomes.
BTW, in my latest book, Guerrilla Marketing Goes Green (co-authored with Jay Conrad Levinson), I discuss, in one of the later chapters, what that kind of ideal world might look like and how we could still get there. http://www.guerrillamarketinggoesgreen.com
I have to disagree, though, when you say he was elected, twice. The election irregularities in both 2000 and 2004 were staggering, and we will never know who *really* won either of those elections, but my strong sense is it wasn't Bush, either time. 94,000 people were denied access to the ballot in Florida in 2000 (never mind the hanging chads and false Buchanan votes and all the rest of it), most of them likely-Democratic voters. Similar problems of a smaller scale but still more than enough to swing the count took place in Ohio four years later.
Ryan, I'm absolutely delighted to see that someone who I think of as fairly conservative agrees with my perspective that going to war after 9/11 was the wrong response. We had an incredible opportunity to not only build our standing in the world but to do more for world peace than at any moment before or since, and the Bush administration totally blew it. Messages of turning back hatred with love, of being a model for the world, of “avenging” those cowardly acts by creating a climate where no one in the future would have a reason to hate the US, builder of schools, hospitals, food-self-sufficiency projects, etc., would have led to very different outcomes.
BTW, in my latest book, Guerrilla Marketing Goes Green (co-authored with Jay Conrad Levinson), I discuss, in one of the later chapters, what that kind of ideal world might look like and how we could still get there. http://www.guerrillamarketinggoesgreen.com
I have to disagree, though, when you say he was elected, twice. The election irregularities in both 2000 and 2004 were staggering, and we will never know who *really* won either of those elections, but my strong sense is it wasn't Bush, either time. 94,000 people were denied access to the ballot in Florida in 2000 (never mind the hanging chads and false Buchanan votes and all the rest of it), most of them likely-Democratic voters. Similar problems of a smaller scale but still more than enough to swing the count took place in Ohio four years later.
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